Honesty is Key

Personal experience that life has offered. I would love to be able to create a safe family place here for everyone to open up free

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  • It’s almost that time again


    It’s that month again, not that it’s school time but when he passed. Time hasn’t really helped with the situation. They say time heals all wounds and I don’t feel that is necessarily true. I still have problems with my grief. It was sudden and unexpected for me. I should have known that he was back on drugs when I noticed him snoring. I was his rock when he was coming off of them every time. We were never together when he was on them. He had passed of fentanyl toxicity. We were supposed to go out of town together that day and he said he had to work and couldn’t get off early. The next night I received the most devastating news a fiancé could receive. His dad had called me to let me know he found him not breathing. His dad called 911 then called my fiancé’s ex to have her come over to help give CPR before the ambulance got there. His dad had let people in the house they raided the closet got his clothes and what they wanted before I could get home.

    I couldn’t get back home that night to be able to see him. I had to wait till September to see him in a coffin and bloated. My older sister had supported me through the process of funeral arrangements since my fiancé’s ex thought she had some kind of say in the matter. His ex also received a visit from the dealer and gave her $1,000 I couldn’t bring myself to do uber so I had help from my family. The people that said they were family slowly disappeared within the first 6 months. Very few people I trust as family that I can always turn to and they still treat me as family. There are two specific people that have been through thick and thin with me and I can make a phone call and they will be there. After the funeral I had a miscarriage when I went through it I was at the same hospital that they took my fiancé to when he passed. It really had me in pieces that I couldn’t pick up. I had family staying with me through this tough time. Honestly I would go to where he is buried and sit there bring him flowers write in my journal and basically have date night so to say. I wasn’t ready to let him go when he left. I set cameras back up at the house when I did I couldn’t believe what I caught. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head down like he was disappointed in what had happened.

    I was able to finally able to get a job that kept me busy but I couldn’t ever remember how I got home. I always made it back home safely, but then his dad was always drunk when I got home so I couldn’t truly be comfortable being at home. It kept me up at night. I worked for a DSP for Amazon delivering packages. It kept me super busy and didn’t have time to think about the pain till I got home. Then after spraining my hip I was put on rest by my doctor at the time. That is when I went to work for a company that made trash bags I really enjoyed the job I worked my ass off for up to 7 days a week no days off. One week that I had I worked 128 hours. I found out I was pregnant after being at this job for 3 months. I still worked my ass off to keep my mind off the pain. My son is the best blessing in the world I wouldn’t have it any other way even though it is just him and I.

    We went to church today and every time we go i cry my eyes out, because when they do the sermons I feel like it is specifically relate to me and our lives. Like comparing father figures to the father and that not all fathers are godly like and it comes down to the mother has the relationship and takes care of the children. As mothers we are also made into the godly figures. I give praise to all the mothers that give everything up to just be an amazing mother. When I had my son it was very hectic and relationships weren’t the best but I had someone that wanted to stand up and be there but I didnt tell anyone what was going on when my water broke. I just thought it was another day. I went to my dads to do laundry I pulled the baskets out of the car then had went to auto zone for something I can’t remember what for now but that’s when my water fully broke I drove straight home and that’s when it really hit.

    I called my obgyn when I got home they asked if I could make it there it was an hour drive from home to the obgyn. I made it there and my body just kept pushing fluids out. They had me in the hospital with my obgyn and had tested me to see if my water broke the first test was negative the second one was positive. They had me hooked up to all kinds of machines I was scared they lost his heartbeat for 10 minutes. so the nurses kept rolling me from side to side to find his heartbeat. when they finally found it they told me I was going to have to be careflighted to a hospital I passed to go to the obgyn. I was told that my son maybe coming that day. So they had given me a shot to help progress his lungs develop.

    As soon as I was received into the hospital the nurse hooked me up to monitors they signed the papers from the care flight team. The nurse told me the doctor would be in shortly. When the doctor came in there were two others observing they stayed back a bit as I joked I didnt bite the doctor had the ultrasound machine on my stomach to find my son and I was rushed in for an emergency cesarean. The phone call I made while being rushed into surgery was to my mom. I was scared that I wasn’t going to pull through the surgery, but here we are and after I had my son I had visitors that should have been let in but wasnt. My son was in the NICU for almost 2 months as I was in the hospital for less time but as soon I was released he had been moved into a room where I could stay. There are a few people I would like to apologize for the things that happened in this time frame.

    A lot of stress was in this time frame from having my son then my mom having to have emergency brain surgery. I had really bad PTSD from everything that happened. I had a good support system in place. However, I ended up hurting people I never meant to hurt. That was the second hardest time in my life.

  • Balancing Excitement and Heartbreak: Starting PreK-3

    So big news everyone, little man will be starting PreK-3 on the 13th. We will be going to meet the teacher night on the 11th. He will also have a meet the teacher himself so that he can take a tour without all the hustle and bustle. I have to finish the rest of the little bit of paper work I have left then we will drop it off on Thursday when he has his dentist appointment. Im excited and heart broken at the same time. Im am going to miss him so much but maybe he won’t be as feral. He’s an amazing kid and growing up so quick.

    Im taking a break right now and eating lunch which is brisket and green beans with some sweet iced sun tea. Im excited for this next chapter but then again I’m not ready. We have never really been apart for long periods of time. He’ll have friends and be able to play and learn which makes me so happy. Laundry day today nothing but laundry.

  • Tired

    For me I know im exhausted when my eyes start burning and dry as all get out. I’ve misplaced my glasses which helps in times of need or when I start getting sleepy im hoping I can find them tomorrow or the next day. just sometime soon. My brain is finally slowing down and I know I am ready for bed. We had an early dinner at 1730 then yogurt for dessert after dinner. Ive cut Dr Pepper out of my diet so ice water it is. It is better for me anyways. I am trying to lose weight also I’ve gained a lot of weight being off my medication and going through the withdrawals. Another thing that I have noticed is where they did surgery for the full thyroidectomy Its all hard. I have hard lumps on the outside of my throat. My thyroid medicine has been changed and no bloodwork has been done since the withdrawals and dosage change. I have-not seen neurologist or a endocrinologist for my seizures and to keep up with my thyroid levels.

    Little man took a shower and has been relaxing in bed watching Dino Ranch on Disney+. It gives him a little bit of down time before bed. He has had a busy day today in his little kitchen that my sister had gotten him for Christmas the year before last. Made some sand angels in the driveway and watered his strawberry plant that is setting next to his sink.

  • Schooling

    We will see if little man will be starting school on Monday. I am going to be sad with him going but maybe he won’t be as feral. He will be able to make friends and I am hoping he doesn’t have the same experience that I had when I went to school here. I had a really hard time going then went to a different school it was a better experience. Then I came back and went to a school where I could graduate early. I did 2 years of school in 4 months and graduated with my high school diploma. I want to make sure my son doesn’t have any issues with going to school. He has gone before but only 3 weeks and I think he enjoyed it but it was most definitely a pretty penny weekly.

    I thought about going back to college and finish my degree for IT or go for business. The older I get the more I notice how jobs are more about who you know and not your education. Some go into major debt just to get the education and then can’t get a job. I’d love to find a job where I am able to be a loner and work my butt off. Last time I went to college I was working 2 full time jobs and doing school and not much time to sleep. We do what we need to do. I would need to find a Job that would be able to work to my disabilities. Just in case I have another seizure or something else happens. I really enjoyed being able to work it kept my mind busy. When I lost my fiancé and miscarried it really did a number on me. After a few months of doing uber and delivering food, I threw myself back into the work life and kept myself as busy as I could just to keep my mind off of the pain.

  • The best night ever

    You know you have a good night when your kiddo keeps waking up just to tell you that they love you and cuddle up with you and goes right back to sleep. I know it makes my heart melt, but he isn’t able to depend on anyone but me. Im his rock as being its just been us. I don’t want him growing up and getting attached and then the people leave out of our lives. So with that being said its us against the world and my son comes first. He has amazing male role models to look up to and spend time with. He most definitely doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken at this young of an age or feel like he’s not enough because his father hasn’t ever been around. I always tried to make it work always even if it ripped me to pieces. Our peace is all that matters now due to it still being just us. I make what we have work even though he still helps me quite a bit. Our thing was going live on TikTok and making dinner or breakfast or even just dessert for that night. It made him feel important and our routine was everything. We have a way smaller kitchen now, and he doesn’t have his safe ladder anymore. A lot has changed in the last year in a half but we are happy and very peaceful. No yelling in the house, if he gets in trouble he will throw his fits and we sit down and talk after.

    We have quite a few new routines in the way we do things. Little man is still learning all the way around we are taking a different point of view now. The past hasn’t ever really been easy but we are learning together. He doesn’t push my buttons like what he used to but it is what kids do is push buttons. I wouldn’t doubt that I push his buttons too. Like last night he went to bed at like 1900. I had moved him to the bed and he stayed asleep. I finally got done eating at 2200 then got in bed and went to sleep. I take my night medicine at 2000 so its 12 hours apart for my anti seizure medicine. He was up at 0700 this morning with me.

  • Dinner Last Night

    Have you ever used ground pork and beef mix? I am cooking the full 4 pounds of it then section it off to put it in the freezer. My son and I will have dinner made for a few nights just heating it up and putting it in a soup or making my own dinner mixing what i have in the cubbard. Tonight will be seasoned ground pook/beef, with a mix of broccoli steamed with water rice and lime juice, and some type of rice. I ended up using La Moderna Fideo noodles. To think I used to hate broccoli I sure can make some damn good streamed broccoli.

    A bit about what I have been experiencing with the withdrawals from the PREGABALIN. I am still feeling super nauseated, migraines still and I am back to square one with pins and needles in my hands, arms, legs, and feet. Sometimes I also get the sensation elsewhere through my body. The pros of being on it definitely outweigh the cons with things. To top it off my thyroid medicine has been changed and no blood work done. My doctor hasn’t even called to check in on me to see how coming off the medication has come along. Then to add to everything else my pain management hasn’t got in touch with me either for testing to be done since the place they were going to send me to didn’t take my insurance. I know I should be consistently on my doctors about referrals and everything else but I’m thinking maybe a new doctor would help out better one that is more family oriented. Let me know what you guys think.

  • Food bank

    Tuesday we went to the food bank and they are getting more scarce with the food. The food bank we went to just sending home with meat and now they don’t have meat to be in line from 0730ish to 1000 is how long the wait was. My son and I received a bag of onions, bag of limes, a box of cereal, a huge cantaloupe that had mold on the inside, a bag of apples, a bag of ruins white nectarines, and a bag of potatoes. All the bags were small and don’t get me wrong I am very appreciative that they do have the food banks, but they aren’t what they used to be.

    There is one food bank that allow 2 times a month they give 2 little things of meat, clothes, grape juice, canned vegetables, a box of cereal, and milk. It all depends on the food bank and what they have to offer now. I don’t think they are state funded as much as what they used to be. I am so very thankful for the ones that donate food and money to the food banks especially when it comes to the ones that can’t afford food.

  • Top of the list

    What’s your go-to comfort food?

    The top of the line comfort food for me would be homemade chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, scratch white gravy, green beans or broccoli and corn.

  • Things I can say I’ve accomplished

    Out of my 30 years of life I’ve never deboned a chicken until yesterday. I felt a really accomplished due to that then little man and I split the wishbone I told him to make a wish and he kept trying to blow on the wishbone to make a wish. I had him grab one piece and I grabbed the other. We closed our eyes and broke it. He ended up getting the bigger piece and I was happy about that.

    Today we are going to have hopefully some bigger accomplishments. Have little man get some outside time maybe rake a bit or just play outside in the shade Major heat advisory for us for a bit. We maybe staying in the house for a bit and he loves to help when it comes to chores. He does amazing with sweeting, vacuuming, cleaning up his table and chair and doing dishes. We start in one part and slowly make our way through from bathroom to bedroom which really isn’t much but its ours.

    I’m thinking we may have some chicken tenderloins, broccoli, and maybe some homemade Mac and cheese. I feel like today will be a great day. Little man was up and down last night with growing pains and just wanted to be close and held. I feel as a parent we do our best to comfort our children when they are in pain regardless of trying to have a routine schedule for sleep. It all changes once you have a child and mine has been an amazing blessing. I had 3 miscarriages before I had my little blessing and we just try and make the best of everyday that we wake up and its a new day.

  • New Beginnings

    I need some ingredient ideas to make dinner tonight if anyone would like to offer up some. I made chicken with rice and broccoli last night and it was amazing. The chicken was so tender along with the broccoli. The rice was the icing on the cake. It all mixed so well with the seasonings that I added. I try and mix things up and try new things.