Honesty is Key

It’s that month again, not that it’s school time but when he passed. Time hasn’t really helped with the situation. They say time heals all wounds and I don’t feel that is necessarily true. I still have problems with my grief. It was sudden and unexpected for me. I should have known that he was back on drugs when I noticed him snoring. I was his rock when he was coming off of them every time. We were never together when he was on them. He had passed of fentanyl toxicity. We were supposed to go out of town together that day and he said he had to work and couldn’t get off early. The next night I received the most devastating news a fiancé could receive. His dad had called me to let me know he found him not breathing. His dad called 911 then called my fiancé’s ex to have her come over to help give CPR before the ambulance got there. His dad had let people in the house they raided the closet got his clothes and what they wanted before I could get home.

I couldn’t get back home that night to be able to see him. I had to wait till September to see him in a coffin and bloated. My older sister had supported me through the process of funeral arrangements since my fiancé’s ex thought she had some kind of say in the matter. His ex also received a visit from the dealer and gave her $1,000 I couldn’t bring myself to do uber so I had help from my family. The people that said they were family slowly disappeared within the first 6 months. Very few people I trust as family that I can always turn to and they still treat me as family. There are two specific people that have been through thick and thin with me and I can make a phone call and they will be there. After the funeral I had a miscarriage when I went through it I was at the same hospital that they took my fiancé to when he passed. It really had me in pieces that I couldn’t pick up. I had family staying with me through this tough time. Honestly I would go to where he is buried and sit there bring him flowers write in my journal and basically have date night so to say. I wasn’t ready to let him go when he left. I set cameras back up at the house when I did I couldn’t believe what I caught. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head down like he was disappointed in what had happened.

I was able to finally able to get a job that kept me busy but I couldn’t ever remember how I got home. I always made it back home safely, but then his dad was always drunk when I got home so I couldn’t truly be comfortable being at home. It kept me up at night. I worked for a DSP for Amazon delivering packages. It kept me super busy and didn’t have time to think about the pain till I got home. Then after spraining my hip I was put on rest by my doctor at the time. That is when I went to work for a company that made trash bags I really enjoyed the job I worked my ass off for up to 7 days a week no days off. One week that I had I worked 128 hours. I found out I was pregnant after being at this job for 3 months. I still worked my ass off to keep my mind off the pain. My son is the best blessing in the world I wouldn’t have it any other way even though it is just him and I.

We went to church today and every time we go i cry my eyes out, because when they do the sermons I feel like it is specifically relate to me and our lives. Like comparing father figures to the father and that not all fathers are godly like and it comes down to the mother has the relationship and takes care of the children. As mothers we are also made into the godly figures. I give praise to all the mothers that give everything up to just be an amazing mother. When I had my son it was very hectic and relationships weren’t the best but I had someone that wanted to stand up and be there but I didnt tell anyone what was going on when my water broke. I just thought it was another day. I went to my dads to do laundry I pulled the baskets out of the car then had went to auto zone for something I can’t remember what for now but that’s when my water fully broke I drove straight home and that’s when it really hit.

I called my obgyn when I got home they asked if I could make it there it was an hour drive from home to the obgyn. I made it there and my body just kept pushing fluids out. They had me in the hospital with my obgyn and had tested me to see if my water broke the first test was negative the second one was positive. They had me hooked up to all kinds of machines I was scared they lost his heartbeat for 10 minutes. so the nurses kept rolling me from side to side to find his heartbeat. when they finally found it they told me I was going to have to be careflighted to a hospital I passed to go to the obgyn. I was told that my son maybe coming that day. So they had given me a shot to help progress his lungs develop.

As soon as I was received into the hospital the nurse hooked me up to monitors they signed the papers from the care flight team. The nurse told me the doctor would be in shortly. When the doctor came in there were two others observing they stayed back a bit as I joked I didnt bite the doctor had the ultrasound machine on my stomach to find my son and I was rushed in for an emergency cesarean. The phone call I made while being rushed into surgery was to my mom. I was scared that I wasn’t going to pull through the surgery, but here we are and after I had my son I had visitors that should have been let in but wasnt. My son was in the NICU for almost 2 months as I was in the hospital for less time but as soon I was released he had been moved into a room where I could stay. There are a few people I would like to apologize for the things that happened in this time frame.

A lot of stress was in this time frame from having my son then my mom having to have emergency brain surgery. I had really bad PTSD from everything that happened. I had a good support system in place. However, I ended up hurting people I never meant to hurt. That was the second hardest time in my life.